A Narration of Anxiety: Baby Steps
As you all know, the last year and a half of my life has been plagued by a new uninvited 'friend' to the party: anxiety. Severe GAD, PTSD, depression... a few different doctors have suggested a few different diagnosis and pharmaceutical recommendations (of course). As I talk more openly about it, I learn more and more about the 'disease' and how it really is a manifestation and validation of POWER OF MIND.
Meditation, yoga, removing dairy, removing sugar (trying, let's be honest), removing processed foods, all dyes, all white sugars, and taking every supplement from ashwagandha to st. johns wart in a raw tea. I feel exhausted that I have physically 'tried it all' and nothing 'helped' to the point that I felt 'normal again'. The panic attack would still find a way to sneak up on me when I least expected it and so despite my old-lady pill dispensers filled to the brim and my smoothies, kombucha and whale frequencies, anxiety won. I found myself fearful of going out and fearful of wondering 'if I could make it through a family dinner' when this should be a fun family event. Fear. It was coming from inside of me but from where, I didn't know.
A trip to OREGON was coming up and I was in a panic, panicking over panic attacks that hadn't even happened yet. I was thinking about being away (states away) from my 3 and 5 year old for the FIRST TIME for more than 9 days. I thought about being away from my doctor, my toilet I like to puke in when I get sick, and away from my go-to craving foods I have that 'save me' in times of nausea where I haven't been able to keep food down in days. I was scared about a lot of things. Mostly, the time spent alone and with my husband to 'reconnect and talk'.
It's true though, anxiety is a seed that is planted early in a person; with bad intentions and cruel methods. I thought it was grieving my mom. Not being able to say 'goodbye' to her and that it was all the resentment, anger, frustration of not being able to conclude our relationship. We were not given the cliched assumed time to fix things. I had feared it was some freak incident of having had a traumatic surgery, an identity crisis of going from a liberated nomad living out of her car to a shut-in with two small children... I wondered every corner of my mind looking for the seed. I was weeding, I was chopping, hacking with my emotional kukri at the overgrown areas of my mind that I had long left to die. The thing is, you can't do that. I'm learning more and more that therapy, introspection, awareness, whatever term applies most to you - is all about realizing all of those things we would hope just to dissolve over time and experience, are actually still there and will need attention.
For some, the symptoms of bottled and unpruned mental gardens is cancer, depression, illness of the mind and body because the mind has been left unattended. Distracted, busy by routine, exhausted at the lack of time spent really THINKING about all those THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT and sorting it out, taking hindsight to learn from them, cry/scream/punch it out and weed the garden of your mind. It must be done or otherwise, as in my case, you find yourself debilitated by an enigma called anxiety and all you can do is be victimized and take daily doses of meds that sicken the body even further.
Luckily, as a therapist, my anti-social and highly intelligent husband has been taking notes while I analyze him and uses his love, perspective, and intentions to allow me self-therapy time. I literally narrate out-loud my worries and like a great SNL shtick, he responds with the loving, rational, logical STOP IT. I spew my random thoughts, my barrage of self-insults, my cacophony of worries bouncing in my head and include each rising pulse, throb of my heartbeat, and scary symptom that I feel crawling over my body. I let him know my process and we've been able to talk through it together and I can drop the judgement of him wondering why I'm 'off'. He helps to fix me and it has strengthened our relationship.
More importantly, I'm learning that my seeds for anxiety were planted by my mother and it is through an array of other methods I will try and pluck those from my mind. Fears of failing alone, being to blame for her faults, wondering why I was ever born if she only wanted to be a singer and to go through each terrible thought - each scenario I've buried down deep - and I need to rehash those emotions and sort out the lesson. I'm learning with each attack just what my triggers are - the specific things that create this momentum of fear and I'm excited to feel as though I'm at the top of this anxiety roller-coaster. I'm not off, I'm still on the ride - unsure how often I'll puke along the why - but at least the clicking, anticipation, confusion, panic, fear is changing - I know now I have to put my hands up, close my eyes, scream out in excitement as my body drops and know it is only passing...
I can see I have some big turns ahead. REALLY saying 'no' to the SPYGIRL lattes and dark chocolate peanut butter bars (that I convince myself are healthy protein). I cannot have hot dogs just because it's summer, I cannot relax and 'destress' in my bed when I should be exercising to trigger the endorphins and I need to make sure and DO IT despite the fear. This coming weekend is a family adventure (3 hours in the car) to a lakehouse family dinner at sunset. It sounds perfect - great photo ops, food, discussions, catching up - but I'm anxious. I'm already having low moments of saying I won't go and to just leave me at home to rest. Then I realize THAT'S IT. Anxiety is all about putting the fear into your mind and body (at no fault of my own) but it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to challenge that fear and say, "Fuck you, I'm going to the family dinner and I'm going to have a good time." Rather than 'be safe' and stay home to rest and destress, the 'baby steps' are in GOING. Live your life with anxiety, do not let it rule your life or push you into an illness that goes deep into the abyss.
Meditation, yoga, removing dairy, removing sugar (trying, let's be honest), removing processed foods, all dyes, all white sugars, and taking every supplement from ashwagandha to st. johns wart in a raw tea. I feel exhausted that I have physically 'tried it all' and nothing 'helped' to the point that I felt 'normal again'. The panic attack would still find a way to sneak up on me when I least expected it and so despite my old-lady pill dispensers filled to the brim and my smoothies, kombucha and whale frequencies, anxiety won. I found myself fearful of going out and fearful of wondering 'if I could make it through a family dinner' when this should be a fun family event. Fear. It was coming from inside of me but from where, I didn't know.
A trip to OREGON was coming up and I was in a panic, panicking over panic attacks that hadn't even happened yet. I was thinking about being away (states away) from my 3 and 5 year old for the FIRST TIME for more than 9 days. I thought about being away from my doctor, my toilet I like to puke in when I get sick, and away from my go-to craving foods I have that 'save me' in times of nausea where I haven't been able to keep food down in days. I was scared about a lot of things. Mostly, the time spent alone and with my husband to 'reconnect and talk'.
It's true though, anxiety is a seed that is planted early in a person; with bad intentions and cruel methods. I thought it was grieving my mom. Not being able to say 'goodbye' to her and that it was all the resentment, anger, frustration of not being able to conclude our relationship. We were not given the cliched assumed time to fix things. I had feared it was some freak incident of having had a traumatic surgery, an identity crisis of going from a liberated nomad living out of her car to a shut-in with two small children... I wondered every corner of my mind looking for the seed. I was weeding, I was chopping, hacking with my emotional kukri at the overgrown areas of my mind that I had long left to die. The thing is, you can't do that. I'm learning more and more that therapy, introspection, awareness, whatever term applies most to you - is all about realizing all of those things we would hope just to dissolve over time and experience, are actually still there and will need attention.
For some, the symptoms of bottled and unpruned mental gardens is cancer, depression, illness of the mind and body because the mind has been left unattended. Distracted, busy by routine, exhausted at the lack of time spent really THINKING about all those THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT and sorting it out, taking hindsight to learn from them, cry/scream/punch it out and weed the garden of your mind. It must be done or otherwise, as in my case, you find yourself debilitated by an enigma called anxiety and all you can do is be victimized and take daily doses of meds that sicken the body even further.
Luckily, as a therapist, my anti-social and highly intelligent husband has been taking notes while I analyze him and uses his love, perspective, and intentions to allow me self-therapy time. I literally narrate out-loud my worries and like a great SNL shtick, he responds with the loving, rational, logical STOP IT. I spew my random thoughts, my barrage of self-insults, my cacophony of worries bouncing in my head and include each rising pulse, throb of my heartbeat, and scary symptom that I feel crawling over my body. I let him know my process and we've been able to talk through it together and I can drop the judgement of him wondering why I'm 'off'. He helps to fix me and it has strengthened our relationship.
More importantly, I'm learning that my seeds for anxiety were planted by my mother and it is through an array of other methods I will try and pluck those from my mind. Fears of failing alone, being to blame for her faults, wondering why I was ever born if she only wanted to be a singer and to go through each terrible thought - each scenario I've buried down deep - and I need to rehash those emotions and sort out the lesson. I'm learning with each attack just what my triggers are - the specific things that create this momentum of fear and I'm excited to feel as though I'm at the top of this anxiety roller-coaster. I'm not off, I'm still on the ride - unsure how often I'll puke along the why - but at least the clicking, anticipation, confusion, panic, fear is changing - I know now I have to put my hands up, close my eyes, scream out in excitement as my body drops and know it is only passing...
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| Capturing Time Photography : Crater Lake, OR |
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