Post-Mother's Day

I didn't post the cliche Mother's Day post as I should have. If I want to be a 'serious blogger' one should note the hashtags, national days and 'get with the program' but the truth is, Mother's Day is usually the hardest day of the year for me (second, Halloween).  It's a mix of emotions that come pouring out in every which way and my husband scrambles to 'fix me'.  I cry, I yell, I narrate to myself and I ponder. 

Connie Harmon Senior Photo 

One thing I tried to do, was stay off of social media.  The family went out for a glorious day in the park and mostly I spent the afternoon relaxing and trying to 'guilt-free' let the husband do most of the parenting.  For me, the Virgo, it is hard to just sit back but indeed my mind was flooded with thoughts. 

My mom and I had a very twisted relationship full of teary nights, blood curdling screams, heroin spoons and playing rock-paper-scissors with my sister to see who would wake mom for breakfast. She was many women to many people and for me, as a mother, she wasn't all that great.  Now, as a woman and mother myself, I can see with new eyes and perspective some of her struggle and I only wish she were present to mend the scars that remain. I've written many things, poems, stories, narrations, fairy tales about my mother... many letters that will remain unsent and unopened.  Psychologically speaking, I have felt that many things were left 'undone' with my mother and her death solidified this growing void in her space where a loving mother should be.  I was always hoping for a distant future where she would be free, from Mike and her drugs, from herself and be able to provide positive support to me like a mother should.  All those years of absent wishing came true when she died in a domestic violence dispute gone wrong.  

Jigsaw Album Cover 

On Mother's Day I toil with her haunting issues, my own issues as a mom, and each year I find a new form of peace.  This year came with tears and cathartic spatting that later morphed into a happy stillness within me. I could almost feel my anxiety lifting for the first time in years. 

Patty Schmitt Photography

Later that night I cuddled into the couch after the little ones had drifted off into slumber and I finally reached for my phone.  I was going to check social media and had prepared myself.  What I found was something quite validating. A post by another Minneapolis mother who said it much better than I could have: 

"Today might be your first official Mother's Day, or it may now be the hardest day of the year. You may be a mom to a kid with fins, 2 legs or 4 (or maybe somewhere in between!) Maybe you're struggling with being a mom today, maybe you're struggling with becoming one. Maybe your child is still in your womb, and maybe they have left this Earth far too soon.

Motherhood comes in all shapes and sizes - there's no right or wrong fit. So today, be where you need to be. Do the things you need to do. Find a moment to reflect on the moms that aren't here (or are!), the mom you are, and the mom you want to be.
I've definitely learned that "it takes a village" is truer than true, and I wouldn't be the mom I am today without each and every woman in my life. I am so thankful for the path worn ahead of me, and the path we're creating now. It's a crazy, wild, emotional ride.

Happy Mother's Day - in whatever form of mom you are."  ~ Emily Klingensmith