Anxiety 8 - Sarah 3

I don't even know who is keeping score anymore but I know that recently I hit a 'rock bottom' with my anxiety and it occurred to me that I don't want to 'play this game' anymore.  I've talked with doctors, therapists, naturalists, and I've tried acupuncture, supplements, meditation... still it was and sometimes still feels as though the harder I try, the worse my unsettled anxiety becomes.

I hate that word, 'anxiety'.  I know for me it means that suddenly, though it's only dinner time and we're all happily watching a baseball game, I feel a nervousness in my gut.  I feel as though I'm about to get on a huge roller coaster or talk in front of a huge crowd (if such things made me nervous, but they don't) and you feel it.  I couldn't eat my dinner and I talked in my mind like a crazy person.
"You're fine. You're home. You're safe. See? Nothing to be nervous about. What is wrong with you?!"

I didn't even recognize myself anymore. My children, my husband, my world and finally ME are all sick and tired of me being sick and tired.  So, I 'gave in' according to my psyche, and took my doctors' recommendation to try prescription medications.  I hate SSRI's and any benzo that clearly is going to have side-effects and possibly become addicting. My mother was an addict, I didn't want to be one. I couldn't stand the thought of taking a pill to 'deal' because 'I wasn't strong enough' to 'figure it out on my own'.  I Let go.

This right here - makes me feel worse than you can imagine. My family just along for the RIDE. :(

I just fucking let go of all the guilt, the standards, the past, my mom and her baggage, the fears for my future addiction or future sickness and focused on the fact that RIGHT NOW I want to feel better.  Just like I tell my clients, and just like the cliche goes, you take it one day at a time.  Today I can do Yoga, run, clean my house, hug my kids, be at home - pace if I need to and yes, even take a pill to help me calm down.  Soon, my hope is that I can be feeling good enough to exercise regularly again and start eating normally again.  To start feeling 'normal' or at least 'healthy' again so that I don't feel so tired, drained, depressed, fearful.

It's all a blur sometimes. Clarity seems like a million miles away... 

The mental block is me - it always is - and finally realizing that when my anxiety comes, I have a choice.  I have tons of choices: pills, try and sleep, distract myself, engage, succumb, get out and do something! Some days I still end up in the fetal position by my trusty toilet, quoting Bill Cosby and crying that I could be 'fixed' though the days are becoming fewer and farther between.  I'm choosing to succumb less and have learned that 'letting go' doesn't mean letting the pain wash over you, but sometimes it means letting go of the fear/guilt/standards/worry and just match the anxiety somehow.  I've found that going out and running, like Forrest Gump, is all I can do to naturally relieve the anxiety.

I cannot stand to run. Seriously, I think I would play dead before even running from a bear! However, one morning I was lying in bed and just couldn't get passed it. I was fighting myself about taking a  pill, trying to puke, taking a cold shower, crying, going to the ER, what can I do to not feel this way? Like a zombie, I snuck out of bed, put on my dusty shoes and ran. I was out of breath, running in spurts, stopping a lot, but feeling less anxiety! I still have the pills by my bed, but I've gotten up everyday in the last 8 days to run/do yoga and I've not drank any coffee or had any 'last-call cigarettes' to calm me down.  No sugar, no caffeine, no tobacco, less crying.
I'd say that's a win.

"They" always say NATURE heals, and it's true. I can almost enjoy planks and push-ups near the river.

I'm still fighting myself. I still have daily anxiety swells - my heart beating out of my chest and a pulsing ball of shame in my throat keeping me at the edge of tears - but I'm TRYING.  I'm changing. I'm getting better.

Yes, I even do YOGA and stretching in the laundry room.